ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
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It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door