COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
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I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”