I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
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To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there