I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
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so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening