[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
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– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.