I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
You Might Also Like
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.