Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
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Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart