One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
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I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.