My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
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Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go