If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
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If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
me logging onto twitter
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks