Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
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[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO