In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
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people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Jesus Christ lmao
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
She was REALLY feeling it.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.