I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
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[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
lol
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
The news
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit