*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
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My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
are they though??
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
yes… yes…
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.