Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
You Might Also Like
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.