COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
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[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.