Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
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i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Only a mother’s love …
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away