3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
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[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching