At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
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Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.