Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
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Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
bad news gang
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.