Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
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Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple