I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
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me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Nothing to do, you say?
Covid like
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Made something I’m not proud of
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.