Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
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The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch