Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
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Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …