Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
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Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”