i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
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[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”