There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
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My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.