Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
You Might Also Like
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…