hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
You Might Also Like
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?