Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
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doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
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