Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
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There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William