I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
When you don’t understand how floors work
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die