Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
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One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.