I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
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Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
lmao
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”