Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
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[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
tis the season
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
“and how does that make you feel?”
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.