*power walks to the refrigerator*
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When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
You wish you had this many chins.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.