Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
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*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
new wife guy just dropped
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I feel attacked.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.