Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
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I gave up going to work for lent.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?