ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
You Might Also Like
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces