If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
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Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?