“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
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Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
yes… yes…
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Order here:
More here:
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.