I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
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My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies