boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
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SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well