My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
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Ah to hear the music of the angles!
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Super Hand Dog Face
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Thursday Thought.
But that’s none of my business
Did a trash talking tree write this?
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?