telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
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4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Choose your fighter
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.