I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
You Might Also Like
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
what does he know…