When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
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Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
classic mixup
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Dance like you’re not the father
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.