(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
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My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD