*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
You Might Also Like
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.