Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
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I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Just why bro?!
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?